OK, I admit it. I watched Eat Pray Love again tonight. Some of my favorite lines are:
God dwells within you as you. God is not interested in watching a performance of how a spiritual girl looks and behaves. God dwells within me, as me.
Child tormented by demons. Looks like teething to me. Same thing.
When you miss me send me love and light every time you think of me.
If life is too crazy, you loose balance, you loose power.
A delvascene – one who lives in the in between
I said good bye to Haley tonight. She was all clean and sweet smelling from her bath, curled up on my lap having her last milk for the day. It was one of those sweet moments at the end of the day that I have loved with all the other grandkids and loved with my own kids.
As I held her in my lap I realized how much I am going to miss these moments. Moment s I will never have with her brother. He will be almost three when I come home. I will miss him learning to turn over, to crawl, to walk and talk. I will miss much with both of them. All of them. I will miss Aaron and Alex turning into men. I will miss Julie being a teenager. As she frequently reminds me she will be 17 when I come home. I will miss much with my grandchildren, but I will gain much too.
So, as I held Haley in my lap I told her why I am going. I know she doesn’t understand, but for some reason it was important to tell her. I told her I was going to help the babies who don’t have enough milk to drink, the ones who are hungry and dying. I am going to help the mothers and grandmothers who have to stand by and helplessly watch their babies die. If I can help them learn new skills to survive, to make their lives easier because of something I know or learn, it will be worth all that I leave behind. If I can give them a moment, on single moment of peace in the hostile worlds they live in, if I can give them a smile or a laugh at some silly blunder I make, it will be worth it.
I know I leave much behind. I know that life will be very, very difficult. I know that I will face challenges that I can’t even begin to imagine and it is probably better that I don’t. I could be facing danger. There is no doubt that Sudan is still at war, that inter-tribal fighting continues. There is fear and uncertainty as it becomes a new country.
I learned this week there are no banks, no post offices and extremely limited food supplies. I read that one Nuer tribe, sunk the relief boats bringing food supplies to Akobo. Not a few supplies – 810 TONS of food. That is about 4-5 train engines! I can’t even begin to imagine that amount of food. The UN was later able to fly in 11 tons – 800 tons short of what they need! How many will starve because of the actions of one tribe against another. Food that would have helped both survive.
In spite of all of that, I am so excited to be a part of the forming of this new country; a part of so many new beginnings. I can’t even begin to imagine how many blessings are in store for me. But I know I will be eating what I can bring, praying and loving a lot.
So, to use one of my favorite lines…
When you miss me send me love and light every time you think of me. (And add a prayer while you are at it, please.)
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