08.27.11 "Goodby Grandpa"!



Typical Nuer village

I can't even begin to imagine the changes Lul and Nagayla have

experineced in their lives. I can't even begin to imagine coming

from a home like this to a place that is a simple apartment to us.

I should begin to imagine, I will be doing the reverse in a very

short time as my journey takes me to Akobo and the adjustments

will be reversed.

"By Grandpa” shouted the little voices as I went to my car and shouted after me waving as I drove down the street;  three beautiful tiny voices shouting and waving and one in diapers waving but not really knowing why.  As I looked in my rearview mirror as they faded from site I saw their mother, Nyalanga, standing there with a smile on her face.  I knew this day was the beginning of a new friendship between me and another, a friendship that God has brought half way around the world to join two people together in a common bond.

I should stop here to explain “Grandpa”. Grandpa. Grandma.  Mother. Father.  They are terms of respect from young children to their elders.  I often heard people shout to me, “Mother, can you help me”?  Not related by blood but related by our common bond in our faith and our God.  Simple words that hold so much meaning….

Nyalanga  and her young family will be my new friends and Nyalanga will be my new Nuer language teacher. Nyalanga is from South Sudan and another friend from Bible study has brought us together.

Maali?  Are you at peace?  Maala – Yes I am at peace.  My first Nuer language lesson! The traditional Nuer greeting.   I am very excited!  I had lunch with a friend today who took time from his very busy schedule to introduce me to two of his friends – Lul and Nyalanga – both from South Sudan, both speak Nuer!

Two people with very different stories; I only heard bits, but I have read enough about the history of South Sudan that I think I can fill in the pieces.  Lul left his country and arrived in the US in 1992 with a wife and small children.  He was the first Nuer to arrive in Ft. Worth.  He quietly stated “I had to bring 100 more”.  And he did.  Looking at the time frame for his arrival and knowing approximately the location of his village, I think it is safe to assume he is one of the “Lost Boys of Sudan”.  Many thousands fled their villages, traversed harsh country on foot, watched many others die along the way from starvation, injuries, or attacks by lions and hyenas in the dark of night, or because they were just too young and too tired to take one more step, so they just laid down and died along the way.  If you’ve never read their stories, you should.  They are stories of strength and courage greater than we will ever know.

Nyalanga didn’t tell her beginnings, she has been in the US for five years.  I judged her to be in her early twenties.  She came through a refugee camp in Gambela.  After we talked for a while, and discussed where it was located, I realized I had visited her camp when I was in Gambela.  I went with Amanuel to visit his sister in law and to meet her new baby. 

I will try to describe the camp for you.  You stop on the main road at a double string barbed wire fence.  We sent a young boy to his sister in law’s home, then, we were invited in through a small rickety gate.  As we passed through the gate I began to realize the rickety, metal buildings were not storage buildings we have here, but homes; homes for families and children.  There were four wooden posts pounded into the ground with three sheets of “concoro” – corrugated tin, one with a door cut in it, the back open to a dirt road,  and a piece of tin on top for a roof.  These were their homes.  Row after row of these simple houses where refugees live.

This was where Nyalanga lived, and many more Nyalanga's.  This is where I learned my heart leaped for joy at the thought of being able to work with the refugees.  In this simple refugee camp in Gambella, my heart began its journey to South Sudan.  I never dreamed that journey would lead me to a simple apartment in Ft. Worth, Texas, less than an hour from my home, to a new friend from South Sudan.

Nyalanga impressed me with her beautiful smile and her eyes that are sparking.  She impressed me with her beauty and grace.  What impressed me the most was her kindness and generosity and the simplicity of her offer to help me learn her language and culture.  I told her I was looking for someone who could help me before I go.  She said, “I will do it.  I want to do it.  I didn’t have any one to help me when I came here and I was very afraid and alone.  I don’t want you to be afraid and alone when you go to help my country”.

Maali? Maala – peace from ones who have traveled so far from their villages in Africa, who have experienced war and starvation, horrors we will never know or can even begin to comprehend, and the first thing either taught me was Maala – I am at peace.

That and my new Nuer name  that Lul christened me with today – Nyekuoth (knee a quoth) – daughter of God.  What an honor he has bestowed upon me!

 I can’t wait to share more stories as our friendship grows.

09/02/11 - OOPS!  I learned today that Nyalanga was in a refugee camp about an hour from Gambela. But, you got a good description of the one I visited. (red face)

08.19.11 The Things We Take For Granted and God'sThump on the Head

As I pour over my lists of what to take, how to get it there and maximize the space I am allowed with the least amount of weight,  I had this brain storm!  I can go to Town Talk, stock up on their bulk flour, sugar, rice etc.  Bring it home and put it in serving size food saver bags!  Great idea!  They're vacuum sealed in sizes I can actually use and should last as long as I need them to.

I had it all planned out, Tuesday after Bible Study I was headed to Town Talk, list in hand.  With a car full of "necessities", access to a friend's food saver I was ready to take off and start bagging and packing.

Then God said, "Just what were you thinking??  How far do you think you will get crossing a minimum of  four international borders with a trunk full of white powdery stuff in small, clear plastic bags!!  Even I don't think I can save you from that one!"

Ahh, yes.  The things we take for granted!  Things like flour and sugar that will go bad before I can use them,  if I take them, packaged as they come in the stores.  Not to mention the rats and bugs they will attract to my tent.  Thank you very much, I left Ben behind in Ethiopia.  I certainly don't want his cousins visiting me in South Sudan and deciding to make my tent their home!

God's mercy and grace...how grateful I am that he is out there looking out for me!

08.18.11 - A Hamster's Wheel

That is what my brain feels like tonight!  A million questions floating in my head...Do I take everything I need when I leave?  Do I wait and get what I can in Addis and only pay for shipping from there to Juba or Malakal or wherever I am going?  If I can only take 44# from Addis to Juba, how does the rest get there?  Is there really nothing to buy for food or am I stressing over food for nothing?  Is there a cheaper way to get food here than buying the really expensive dehydrated food that I can find on line?  Just how much food do I really need for three months anyway?  What if I can't get out until May? How much food do I really need, then? 

I was sleeping soundly - for all of about thirty minutes - when I jerked awake to the feel of a rat crawling across me on the floor of my empty tent - only to find I had been dreaming.  And laughed as I woke remembering the dream before that - waking on my cot in my tent and calling out the window because a lion was curled up on the floor of my tent next to me and I was scratching his head....Like that would really happen!  My tent was empty because it was my backpacking tent and nothing else had arrived...

These little planes just don't hold much, especially when they

are chartered by others and bring my stuff on a space available

basis while providing relief aid to East Africa!

A real possibility considering that I have to leave it all behind in Juba and wait for MAF (Mission Aviation Fellowship) to deliver it when they can - anywhere from a few weeks to a few months - depending on the space they have available on flights and when those flights happen to arrive in Akobo!

These are the things that are floating through my head as I try to sleep.  I have spent days and weeks trying to figure just what will I really need and making wish lists and putting things on them and taking things off, trying to remember all the little things I am forgetting like nail clippers and scissors and something to keep me busy in the long nights to come.

And through it all, I really do know that God is in control and God always keeps his promises.  I laughed as I read My Daily Bread for today...

In a world of uncertainty, our trust is in a faithful God who will always keep His promises.

Whatever trouble may assail,
Of this we can be sure:
God’s promises can never fail,
They always will endure. —Hess

Faith knows that God always performs what He promises.

And I know he promises to provide and care for us...and I know that when I put my trust in God I will not worry for he will show me the way.  And so I can rest comfortably in these words from Matthew 6

Do Not Worry

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

God has a great sense of humor and timing!  As I went back to bed I began to pray for forgiveness for forgetting to ask God to help me.  After all, I know that He has all the answers and already knows my struggles before I ask!  Being the independent sort that I am, I just forget to ask.  Tossing and turning for a while longer I decided to get up and play on the internet.

A few clicks here and there and I ended up on the UNHCR (The United Nations Refugee Agency) - I didn't even know they had one!  A few more clicks and I found a map showing all the locations of the sub offices and dield locations in Sudan.  Lo and behold there is a field office in Akobo, or that's what it said!  So, armed with a contact button on the bottom of the page I fried off an email - this is who I am, this is what I will be doing, and can you answer any of my questions?

That done, I snuggled into bed at 4 am, and slept like a baby until the phone rang at 8! And, that my friends is another story!

08.08.11 Leave it All Behind?

⁸ These were his instructions: “Take nothing for the journey except a staff—no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. ⁹ Wear sandals but not an extra shirt.

God said, “Follow me, leave everything behind and follow me”.  As I contemplate the list of things I will need to survive in South Sudan, I am pondering the question – “What if?  What if I left with nothing but the clothes on my back?”  Could I really do it?  Could I really put my faith and trust in God to provide for all my needs?  I am not sure, and that is a harsh reality for me.

As I look around my house and see all the things I really take for granted, just because they are “there”.  I consciously make a mental note – do I need it?  Can I live without it? “How much space will it take up, how much does it weigh?”  I wish I had the faith of the disciples to leave it  the all behind.

But that is just not possible.  I could and it would be very easy and make traveling so much easier.  It is not possible because of the burdens it would cast on those I go to serve.  They would rush around and make a place for me to stay.  They would feed me their very precious food and even that which was intended for their children.  They would provide for me the very best of what they have and do without themselves.  That is their way.

I am reminded of the time in Ethiopia when I jokingly held up a loaf of bread at the gate to my house and told the children with me that I was going to eat my dinner now.  About an hour later, there was a knock on my door and Abdi was standing there saying “My father says come to dinner at 8:30.”  I thought that was awful late for dinner, but I told him I would go.  I had just eaten dinner, but to refuse an invitation is rude.  So I went.

I entered a house swarming with the scents of a traditional Ethiopian meal.  (There is nothing quite like it in the world!) I was seated at the place of honor and the traditional hand washing ceremony was preformed.  As we ate Kes Korsa told me “You know my son, he yelled at me.”  I thought that was very out of character for Abdi, who is so kind and gentle, so I asked why.

 The story began to unfold.  It seems Abdi thought that small loaf of bread was all I was going to have to eat!  He had told his father they had to feed me so I didn’t go hungry!  Long after their dinner was finished, they had their cook prepare another meal, served very graciously by Abdi as his father and I ate, again!

What effort went in to that act of kindness!!  All the chopping and preparing and bending over hot fires.  All the serving and cleaning that went on afterwards.  The sacrifice of food!  I was extremely carful how I worded things after that!

I thought of that story today as I prepared my list of things to take and remember how humbled I was at the great sacrifice that was made on my behalf that night.   I am reminded, going to serve also mean not casting burdens on those who offer their hospitality to strangers.  I will make my lists, pack my bags and head out knowing that I have done the best I can to take care of myself with the blessings God has provided for me.

Peace,

Sharon

08.04.11 God's Circle Just Keeps Getting Bigger...

The Journey – that doesn’t even begin to describe the last few weeks!  What a time of growing and learning and being surrounded by God’s all empowering love.  I began as a stranger attending Big Tent in Indianapolis, so full of wonder, anticipation and not knowing what the future would bring.  I was awed by all the Presby’s gathered in one place from so many different places.  Some from Indiana, some from Louisville and others from far off places like Ethiopia, Sudan and many other countries.  All gathered in the circle of the Big Tent, celebrating God’s love and the amazing work he is doing throughout the world.

From there I spent a few days in Tennessee being surrounded by the love of family. It was a circle of love and laughter, sharing and caring.  For one, it may be the last time we are together as he faces the uncertainty of cancer.  It was a time for rest before then next steps in this journey, and I left feeling surrounded by the circle of love that family brings.

Next stop on my journey was Toronto for the first steps in the training journey.  There, we gathered, and the circle continued to grow to include others who are setting out on journeys of their own to Malawi, Tanzania, Zambia, Malasia, Japan and other places throughout the world.  new surrounded each other sharing our hopes and our dreams, along with a few fears of what the future brings for all of us.

Next it was on to Louisville and the PCUSA portion of our training.  The circle grew even bigger to include other mission co-workers being sent out to South Sudan and Taiwan in addition to Haiti, and Zambia.  The circle grew even bigger as we added all the staff that will be supporting us along the way.

As we gathered in prayer at our closing day, I realized God’s circle is always growing, always increasing in love and support.  We are there to lift each other and support each other and teach and learn from each other.  God’s circle will soon grow even bigger as we are sent out into the world to serve this wonderful amazing God whose arms are never too small to add just one more.

Thanks be to God!

07.17.11 Worship outside my culture...Finding People Who Refuse to Limit God...

What a beautiful church! I attended a small inter-city, El Salavadorian, Anglican church today and what a beautiful welcome! This immagrant church has many lessons for us all. Worship followed by lunch sold by the women of the church to support thei mission called "Caravan of Hope". While lunch was going on, the Red Cross was offering CPR training for everyone, not certification, but quick, life-saving CPR.

Caravan of Hope is a mission to provide school buses and ambulances to remote areas in El Salvador. The Padre spends his spiritual leave each year driving a school bus for 12 days from Toronto to El Salvador; 3 or 4 days visiting villages and flies home. The support money comes from these fellowship lunches.

As I observed the lunches being prepared by such happy hands and faces, I was touched by the joy and peace in this congregation of immagrants. People that had suffered hardships bigger than we can even begin to imagin to cross 3 countries and no less than 8 states to get to build new homes in a new land. And yet, they joyfully prepared, served, and cleaned after the meals. They haven't lost sight that community education is important and most importantly they haven't lost sight of who is the center of the church and all that they do - Jesus.

I also thought back today to the Islamic Center we visited this week - very stark in comparison to the Hindu Temple we visited earlier in the day - and how the two use their vast differences to serve. One through its oppulence and wealth, brings people to see, so they can hear the story. One in it's starness, invites the community to come and have their needs met - education, retreat and fellowship - basketball, community game nights, food and clothing banks etc. They are open from 4:30 AM to 11 PM, to mee the needs of the community. "We" close our doors at 5 and go home. HMMMM---

Sometimes, when I think of the financial struggles that plague us all, I forget about the people who refuse to limit God by saying "we can't afford "it"...instead they open their hearts, their minds and say "come on in God", show us the way.
Jose, Kim, Padre San Lorenzo Church Toronto Canada

08.02.11 Critical Global Issues Have a Face

One of the things we studied last week at Ecumenical training was critical global issues- the critical issues facing the world today – and what they look like in real life.  I learned it is one thing to read the words and definitions on a piece of paper and quite another to face them in real life.

I was exploring downtown Toronto one night when a young street hawker tried to issue me a ticket for man watching – he caught me on the video cameras above.  I laughed and we began to talk.  He told me his story.  He is now living in Canada again, but his journey hasn’t been easy.  As a young boy his mother stole him and took him to Russia where they lived in a camp (international child kidnapping, refugees).  After many years his father was able to locate him and bring him home. (rescue).   The are now trying to make a living any way they can (poverty) – he by selling tickets and stickers on the streets of Toronto.  As his dad opened the van door there were two pallets laid out (homelessness).

I am amazed at his resilience!  For one so young, he is so full of love and laughter and spreads joy and laughter to those he passes on the streets with his shouts of “Hey, Mister, you missed a spot shaving this morning!”  The men rub their fingers across their faces and you can see the smiles begin and grow into chuckles and out right laughter as they realized they’ve been tricked.  They continue on down the street as he says “Well, at least I made you laugh”.

This little bubble of Critical Global Issues reminds me that’s what it is all about – spreading joy and love and laughter wherever you go, wherever you are planted and no matter what your circumstances.  May God be with him!

 If you'd like to see my young friend in action, check out my facebook post...http://www.facebook.com/#!/video/video.php?v=259076827442143&comments

06.23.11 Hope

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13.

It is amazing how one simple email can lift your spirits.  My friend sent me an email this morning with this verse in it.  I am not really sad, just feeling a little overwhelmed with all the stuff I have to do before I leave town next week and the decisions about my house to be made.

I am busy cleaning and sorting and going through and deciding what is important enough to me to pay storage on it for three years.  My head is full of thoughts about what to do if my house doesn’t sell and what if, by some miracle from God, do I do if it should happen to sell while I am gone.

I know I left my kids with a huge burden of “stuff” to take care of at the last minute when I left last time.  I am determined not to do that this time.  Mostly packing and sorting and getting rid of.  I am trying to do all of that before I leave next week.  And cleaning out, always leaves more to do.  You start to find all those cracks, corners and crevices where dirt tends to hide and I tend not to look.  You know, the ceiling fans that never get turned off so you don’t see the dirt on the blades, the corners that are hidden by furniture that I don’t or can’t move.

Her words remind me that God is always there and that if I put my trust in Him, things will work out.  They remind me that if I get all of this taken care of before I go, I will have time and room for the Holy Spirit to work in my life in the coming days.  In a lot of ways, the cleaning and sorting and getting rid of is a good thing.  It is helping me to decide what is really important in my life.  I know that if it is done before I leave for training it will leave me time to concentrate of family and friends in the days to come.  Those are what are really important to me.  The stuff can be replaced, they can’t.

“Hope” is my message today.  I received another email, from another friend, with a story about survival in the concentration camps during WWII.  It is the story of a boy separated from his mother and his time in the camps.  At one camp a little girl came every day and threw bread or apples over the fence to him.  As he tells of moving to another camp and working the ovens at the crematorium, and then standing waiting as he was to be next, he wrote these words:

“In a place where   evil seemed triumphant, one person's goodness had saved my   life, had given me hope in a place where there was  none.”

That is my hope for this journey, that in spite of what I see as hardships and burdens of the decisions I have to make and the things I have to do, they are nothing compared to the suffering of others.  In reality, they are blessings – blessings that I have things to decide what to do with, and decisions that I can make, not someone else make for me.

06.18,11 Eat, Pray, Love

OK, I admit it.  I watched Eat Pray Love again tonight.  Some of my favorite lines are:

God dwells within you as you.  God is not interested in watching a performance of how a spiritual girl looks and behaves.  God dwells within me, as me.

Child tormented by demons.  Looks like teething to me.  Same thing.

When you miss me send me love and light every time you think of me.

If life is too crazy, you loose balance, you loose power.

A delvascene – one who lives in the in between

I said good bye to Haley tonight.  She was all clean and sweet  smelling from her bath, curled up on my lap having her last milk for the day.  It was one of those sweet moments at the end of the day that I have loved with all the other grandkids and loved with my own kids.

As I held her in my lap I realized how much I am going to miss these moments.  Moment s I will never have with her brother.  He will be almost three when I come home.  I will miss him learning to turn over, to crawl, to walk and talk.  I will miss much with both of them.  All of them.  I will miss Aaron and Alex turning into men.  I will miss Julie being a teenager.  As she frequently reminds me she will be 17 when I come home.  I will miss much with my grandchildren, but I will gain much too.

So, as I held Haley in my lap I told her why I am going.  I know she doesn’t understand, but for some reason it was important to tell her.  I told her I was going to help the babies who don’t have enough milk to drink, the ones who are hungry and dying.  I am going to help the mothers and grandmothers who have to stand by and helplessly watch their babies die.  If I can help them learn new skills to survive, to make their lives easier because of something I know or learn, it will be  worth all that I leave behind.  If I can give them a moment, on single moment of peace in the hostile worlds they live in, if I can give them a smile or a laugh at some silly blunder I make, it will be worth it. 

I know I leave much behind.  I know that life will be very, very difficult. I know that   I will face challenges that I can’t even begin to imagine and it is probably better that I don’t.  I could be facing danger.  There is no doubt that Sudan is still at war, that inter-tribal fighting continues.  There is fear and uncertainty as it becomes a new country.

I learned this week there are no banks, no post offices and extremely limited food supplies.  I read that one Nuer tribe, sunk the relief boats bringing food supplies to Akobo.  Not a few supplies – 810 TONS of food. That is about 4-5 train engines! I can’t even begin to imagine that amount of food.  The UN was later able to fly in 11 tons – 800 tons short of what they need! How many will starve because of the actions of one tribe against another.  Food that would have helped both survive.

In spite of all of that, I am so excited to be a part of the forming of this new country; a part of so many new beginnings.  I can’t even begin to imagine how many blessings are in store for me.  But I know I will be eating what I can bring, praying and loving a lot.

So, to use one of my favorite lines…

When you miss me send me love and light every time you think of me.  (And add a prayer while you are at it, please.)

06.16.11 How Dumb is That?

How Dumb is That!?

I am constantly amazed by the things that are happening.  I am certain God has a huge hand in all of it and I am very grateful. 

Big stress this week (and last) has been, how the heck do I get a physical with no money and no insurance???  I have to have it to go to training!  I’ve been shopping around and they aren’t cheap -   $250 – ish – for the physical, another $100 for the mammogram.  GRRR!  House payment, electric bill or physical.  Physical wins.  The rest will work itself out.  And it did.  One last call this morning led me to a clinic in Ft. Worth, if I qualify for their discount, it all may only cost $45, if not - $300 – still less than Granbury. So, this week I am praying for the discount.

Last night, I met my neighbor on the road, she asked what I was going to do with the house.  I told her lease it if I can find someone who wants it for three years, sell it for whatever I can get if not. I told her I didn’t think I would get much if I sold it since it needs a roof and siding.  Her brother sells siding and since she’s been in the hotel business for so long, she knows lots of roofers and contractors. 

The house is perfect for her – she doesn’t want to buy, her parents are just down the road.  Her mom has early alhyzmers , her dad has emphysema.  She wants to live close, just not with them.  My house would be the perfect solution.   And, by her leasing it, it would do just what I wanted it to do – help another single woman while I am gone.  So, I am praying for God’s hand in my house as well.

I am amazed at the things I stress over!  Some of them are really, really stupid.  I was lamenting to Sherri last night about how worried I am about leaving for a month of training and not having any money until July 22 when I get my first full paycheck.  I know most things are covered during the trainings, but there are things like meals out, socials that others will participate in when I heard myself say “I can’t even buy a bottle of shampoo if I need it.”  That’s when it struck me as how silly I am being.

I am going to a country that is at war. I am going to a country, that until, July 9^th, isn’t even a country yet.  I don’t know where I am going to live.  I don’t know where food is going to come from outside of what I bring with me.  I just know that it is scarce right now.  I now know there are no banks, no post offices, that whatever money I will need in the future I have to carry in with me.  I don’t know how safe that is! I now know that whatever I take with me will sit in Juba until a MAF plane has time and space to bring it to me.  I am going into this whole world of unknowns and I have no doubt that God will take care of me and my needs, but last night I was worrying about a simple bottle of shampoo! 

How dumb is that!?

06.06.11 The Call that Changed it all...

The day began with an email from Del – Sorry, I may have jumped the gun.  The funding hasn’t been secured so he couldn’t invite me to be part of the webinar tomorrow – protocol.  I kind of expected that.

It began as an ordinary day that quickly turned extraordinary when my phone rang and I looked down and saw a 502 area code.  It was the middle of lunch and I answered anyway.  Sharon?  This is Celia.  My heart stopped.  It went crashing to the floor.  I knew the words that were coming next and yet I held my breath.  In the time it took her to say the word “Congratulations” I knew my life was going to be forever changed.    I have no clue how, I just know it will.

I am not sure I could even begin to repeat the rest of the conversation.    I know she said something about working with funds development.  I’m not sure what else.

Next was a phone call from Debbie offering her congratulations before she headed off to a meeting.  Next came a flurry of emails with documents attached that amount to a mountain of paperwork that has to be completed and returned as quickly as possible.  And the physical forms…I expected the physical.  I didn’t expect to have to have an EKG.  Panic struck!  How am I going to pay for all of that with no insurance and no money????  Ruth’s Place to the rescue!  They have a free clinic and will do the EKG – for free!  God is good!!!

I sent Annie a text “Webinar is back on”.  Five minutes later she was pulling up in the parking lot with a big grin and outstretched arms.  Just exactly what I needed.  After work it was off to tell Alicia.  She said she was happy, but I’m not too sure.  I know she’s not happy I won’t be here to see her babies be babies.

That breaks my heart.  I want to be here for their first everything.  But, I know that God is calling me to more.  I was working on a homeless presentation when I got the call.  I had started it with the verses that have called to me throughout this journey…

Matthew 28:19
Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,

Matthew 25:40
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

It seems like such a small price to pay for carrying out Jesus commands.  I look at the pictures of those starving children and go knowing I go in grateful response to the blessings I have been given in having all of my children healthy and happy.  I go in grateful response to the blessings of having such amazing grandchildren.  If I can give that gift to just one person, it will be worth all that I leave behind to follow Jesus.

And so, as I try to sleep tonight, with my head spinning in a million directions, I don’t know where this journey will lead.  I do know there will be hard days, days that are so difficult I am not sure I can bare them.  But I go in the faith that I won’t go alone.  God is with me every step of the way.

06.03.11 The Call...

I watched the video Del sent this morning called The Road to La Oroya. (http://youtu.be/vwslkGrwJcU )  It was a simple video of a drive down a highway in Peru as JKoball told his story of why he is called to mission, Peru in particular.  It made me stop and think.  Why am I called to mission?  Why am I so hell bent on Akobo?

I’ve told the story before, ever since I was a little girl, 5^th grade, I think, I have wanted to be a missionary.  My friend Rosa was leaving school to go live in a convent to learn to be a nun.  For me, that was the bursting open of a dream to become a missionary in Africa.  A dream that never went away.  That dream was fulfilled in my term in Dembi Dollo.  It was fulfilled in some ways and in others it just wasn’t “enough”. 

I am not sure what “enough” is, but I knew, deep in my heart, there was “more” I could do.  In a lot of ways, I felt God was preparing me for “more”, perhaps testing me, for something bigger.  In a lot of ways, it may have been prophetic all the times I told Michael “Just take me to Sudan and drop me off”.  At that point, I wasn’t even really sure what was going on in Sudan.  I didn’t have a tv, didn’t know much about the war.  Just somewhere deep in my heart, I knew there were hurting people and I wanted to help.  Not wanted, felt compelled.

I had the vision of Mother Theresa in my head, working among the poor in India.  I wanted to be one of those nuns, helping the dying and lame.  I wanted to bring comfort to the hungry, a smile to the face of the hurting; to hold the dying child’s hand; to laugh with the not so sick and play with the hurting children and bring them a moment of laughter in a dismal world.  It was more than want, it is more a need.  A deep in my heart need, that won’t let go.  A  deep in my heart need that is compelling me to go forward with this journey.  A journey that I know will be filled with heartbreak and hardship.  A need to help the “least of these”.

The video made me think.  JKobal told his story of call in this video with the Bible stories that led him to Peru.  What is my story?  Why Akobo?

The Bible story that has always shaped my call to mission is partly

Mark 10:21
Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

It is partly

Matthew 25:40
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

As I poured through the pictures of Akobo, I felt a longing to go.  A longing to help.  A longing so deep in my heart, I can’t reach it.   It is the eyes that call out to me in those pictures.  A cry for help.  A cry for comfort.

Many have asked me, “how can you go there?  How can you see all of that?”  I guess my answer is, “How can I see all of that and not go?”  I have been blessed with happy, healthy grandchildren.  Perhaps it is a grateful response for all that God has blessed me and my family with.  But, I think it is more than that.  I think it is the deep longing to help another  grandmother be able to hold healthy grandchildren and watch them live happy, healthy lives.

 Perhaps it is the deep in my heart longing to be able to help other mothers learn  new ways to care for the heath of the families.  And, maybe, it is just to be able to do something, anything to help ease the suffering of others in this harsh land.

 

And, maybe, there is a selfish part of me that thinks it will be exciting to be a part of shaping the new history of this new country as it begins as an independent country in July.  Will the days be long and hard? Of course.  Will I suffer in their suffering,?  Of course.  Will I be taxed beyond my mental and physical abilities to cope? Probably.  But I know that every step of the way God will be with me. I will never be alone  I will be doing God’s will and I will be answering Jesus call to serve the least of these.  And those are the promises that will lead me through the hard days and help me rejoice in the good days.

06.02.11 - The Edge of the Roller Coaster...

I am sitting at the top of a roller coaster.  I don’t know which way I am going, up or down.  I am just balancing on the edge, in that breath filled moment where you wait for the next big plunge.  I don’t know if it will be the short ride down, with the long thrilling ride up, where I go down as I say good by to family  and friends, followed by the long ride up on my journey to Akobo.  It could be the long decent down as I say good by to y dreams of going.  Either way, right now , I am sitting on the edge not knowing what the future will bring.  Right now, I am holding my breath in anticipation and, I admit, a little bit of fear.

My dream is so close I can touch it, yet it is so far away I can’t reach it.  It all began with the email this morning.  I had been waiting to hear from PCUSA and nothing by the middle of last week.  Nothing by the middle of this week, so I sent Celia and email, and received the response I was expecting.  “We don’t have funding yet, but we’re working on it.  We’ll let you know as soon as we have information”.  That didn’t surprise me, when I didn’t hear back from them last week, I figured they didn’t have funding.  What did surprise me was the email I received this afternoon – “Dear Orientation Participant…”  I assume they put me on the list for webinars so I don’t miss out, just in case they get the funding.  So, I will participate – joyfully and full of hope – and if I don’t end up in Akobo, I have learned something more and learned more about the other missionaries being called to serve.

07/13/2011 - I found it...

I have been searching for "something" in this process over the past several weeks.  I didn't know what it was, nothing I could really put my finger on that was wrong, or missing.  It was kind of like a feather blowing in the wind, just out of reach.  It reminded me of one of my favorite movies when I was a kid - "The Big Red Balloon".  I saw it one summer during one of my many art classes at the Dallas Art Museum.  Looking back, it was probably an independent short film, and I believe I remember the accents, the few spoken words in the film, being foreign.  It was the story of a little girl chasing a big red helium balloon all over the city.  The string hanging down, always just out of reach, blowing on the whim of the wind.  Sometimes she could see the balloon, sometimes she could jump and almost grab it just before it was lifted on the breeze and carried to a new location.

That is how I have felt over the past few days..."it" is always just out of my reach.  I have walked miles and miles each day, exploring Indianapolis and Toronto.  Venturing out in a new direction, knowing "it: is just around the next corner, around the next bend in the river or under the next church steeple in the distance.

Last night, I caught it - my big red balloon.  I caught it, sitting alone in the dark on a bench in a 175 year old university, surrounded by old stone buildings with ivy covered walls.  Steeples of Victory and St. Michael's and the other nearby universities fill the sky in all directions, and the modern world lights then from towering glass buildings from above. 

My big red balloon is peace.  Complete and utter peace.  I can hold it in my heart, secure in the knowledge that I am exactly where God wants me to be. I am doing exactly what God wants me to be doing.  In the quiet of the midnight hour, sitting on a bench far, far from home, I found myself wrapped in God's arms, secure in his love and protection.

07/04/2011 Unwinding

It has been a hectic few weeks.  My head has spun in a million different directions, myemotions have run the gammit from the top of the mountain to the bottom of the pit and everywhere in between.  I have stood on the top of the mountain and held on to the cliff for dear life.  And, finally, I have time to rest and let them catch up with.  Thank God for that! 

In five weeks I have ridden the emotional roller coaster from not going to Sudan, to going, to not sure and back again to going. My roller coaster peaked at "yes, I can sell your house" and plummeted to the bottom at "no I can't and we can't rent it either, there is too much wrong with it".  Now, that roller coaster car sits at the bottom, hanging precariously on the edge of not knowing what to do. 

One thing I know for sure is that God is in control of it, no matter what it is up to Him.  If I didn't have that faith to hang on to I can't even begin to imagine how dark that would be. God is in control and I know he works all things for good.  So, I go forth, trusting him to handle this as well.

I can't even begin to describe Big Tent.  It was a frw days being filled with love and fatih and being surrounded by people filled with the Holy Spirit.  It was a whirlwind of learning and worship.  Days filled with putting faces to names I had only seen in emails. It was standing in worship surrouned by people so full of faith and love and voices joined together in song and praise. And blessings from old friends I met at the Big Tent.  I am sure it will take a while for it all to catch up to me.

05/20/2011 - The Journey

The Journey...05/20/2011

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

I can’t sleep.  A million things are flashing through my head...it’s going to be hard to leave them, I won’t know the new baby, he won’t know me...will Haley forget me? where will I live?  how will I get there? what about my house? what about the rest of the grandkids? I have so much “stuff” what am I going to do with it?  and the list rages on.

It all began with a phone call tonight that I had really given up on.  I certainly hoped it would come.  I’ve prayed for it long enough, I just thought it wouldn’t happen or I was afraid it wouldn’t.  The long awaited call from PCUSA...are you still interested in the position in Akobo?  YES!!!  I couldn’t say it fast enough.  And, yet, I am still afraid to get my hopes up.  More prayers are still needed and praying I am.  God, please let the funding meeting this weekend be successful.

Celia called to let me know they had received the security clearance for Akobo, now the issue is funding.  A donor called and wanted to fund a medical mission.  “They” are meeting with him this weekend, and if he approves the funding, I will be heading to Akobo in the near future!  Linda doesn’t think they would have called if they weren’t pretty sure it would go through.  I don’t know...

Last time I went on a mission trip, I lost so many of my feelings and emotions by not writing them down, I decided this time I would start from the beginning.  Well, not quite the beginning...this journey began about a year ago - April 14, 2010 to be exact.  I sent a letter to Debbie Braksma asking what options were available for me to go back to Ethiopia.  She wrote and said she thought she had something better for me - a position in Akobo.  Many conversations later I submitted my application and began to wait.

I waited and learned I would be interviewing in Louisville in September.  A whirlwind three days that I left me so full of excitement and energy that I thought I would explode.  That is when the waiting really began.  I waited and waited - word came that they were delaying the position until after the elections in January.  The elections came and went and still I waited.  Then I learned Debbie was making a trip to Akobo and I would hear something after that.  And I waited some more.  No word.  I sent an email - I didn’t even know if I was on the list for consideration.  Debbie wrote back that a decision would be made “soon”.  And so I waited until I was running out of patience.  I contacted Andy at WIM yesterday.  Today we made plans to get together and discuss options through WIM.

Tonight, I came home from work, turned on the computer, and Celia popped up on Skype!  Can we talk about the position in Sudan?  OF COURSE!  It was a good conversation.  She told me they had received the security clearance and about the possible donor.  It made me feel really good that she said I had always been on the top of the list, they just couldn’t say anything.  

So, now I sit and wait again....wait for word of the meeting with the donor, wait for him to approve the position, wait to hear if he does.  In the mean time, I am full of excitement.  Restored in my faith that God does answer prayers; that my “gut” feeling that I should serve through PCUSA is right, And, I am laughing.  I guess God really did have a plan for me when I started the interfaith conflict resolution course.  I suspect I will be needing some of those lessons I learned.

And so, I continue to wait for answers to the donor question, for answers to the “what next” question and all the millions that are going through my head and keeping me from sleeping.  And I continue to pray for God’s hand in the process and direction and guidance for me to make the right decisions.  Lord, you will be done, not mine.

This could be my new home!!

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http://chg7.wordpress.com/settlement/

These could be the people I will be working with…

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http://article.wn.com/view/2010/04/08/Skeletal_children_sign_of_crisis_in_Sudanese_town_x/