02.01.12 - Kissed By God

The Journey

02/01/12

Kissed By God…

I admit these last two weeks have been some of the hardest I have experienced both physically and emotionally  Every day is a challenge to stay healthy and avoid becoming sick in these harsh living circumstances.  And no matter how hard I have tried to be I got sick anyway.  I don’t know if it was from being tired and worn down from the fight, something I ate or what.  I just know that the creatures that invaded by body made it a long walk to the latrine in the middle of the night.

Perhaps it is the frustration of not knowing what God’s purpose is for me here.  I am not teaching.  I am not learning Nuer.  I am not learning culture.  I am not learning anything that will help me when I return to Akobo.  There are no kids to play with, no one to build relationships with around the compound where I am living.  At times, I admit, it feels very dark and hopeless.  At times I want to throw in the towel and say “I quit.  I can’t do this.”  And then I get caught up in the pattern that is life here – hurry up and wait.

And in the slowing down I have time to realize this journey isn’t about what I want in the first place.  It is about what God wants.  And if God wants me to sit here on the veranda at the church office waiting to see if someone will come, then I will rejoice in the people I am blessed to meet and the laughter we share in the waiting. 

If God’s plan is for me to walk down the road in my pink or blue lowalla and be “dressed” a hundred different ways as the women greet me with happy surprises, then I will rejoice in the happiness it brings to them.

If God’s plan is to bring smiles to the faces of the “grandfathers” who pointed their fingers, chattered and chastised me at a tea shop yesterday, then I will rejoice in that too.  I felt like I was five years old and had done something to disappoint my grandfather as I stood before them.  I didn’t understand a word they said except shaking fingers and “No” and “lowalla”.  The jist of it was I was not wearing a lowalla!  Today I did wear one and was rewarded by big smiles and happy handshakes and I rejoiced in that as well. 

So, as I sat on the veranda at the church office today contemplating all of this I was watching three kites (birds) fly high overheard.  Floating on the thermals, they seemed to hang in midair before swooping down to brush the tops of the trees, before climbing high into the sky and coming back again. Soon they floated off and were replaced by three gulls from the river.  I had to laugh, it seemed I was surrounded by groups of three today.  I was busy watching the birds when I caught a flutter out of the corner of my eye- there were three white butterflies flitting through the bottom of the trees on the edge of the road.  Here I sat, three sets of three had caught my eye this morning.  I had to stop and think, God is here; especially when the three white butterflies showed up.  

White butterflies have been my symbol that God is with me for as long as I can remember.  Hiking on trails in the dead of winter with no sign of life anywhere, white butterfly floating just above the tops of the dead grass – God is there.  In the dark times in my life, when I had given up hope, a simple prayer and a white butterfly would appear out of nowhere – God was there.  Days filled with more joy than my heart could hold, white butterfly dancing on the breeze; God was there.

So this morning when the three white butterflies were dancing on the edge of the road, I had to laugh and say thank you for being here God.  A quiet peace filled my heart and surrounded me.  I noticed there were only two butterflies and I wondered where the third one went.  Just then a flutter caught the corner of my eye, and there was the third one, sitting on my shoulder.  It brushed my cheek and went to join the other two just before all three disappeared from site.

Yes, God was here.  God was with me.  God, gave me peace about 

where I was and what I was doing, and yes, I have to say, I was kissed by God…